I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
