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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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