He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
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i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
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Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.