Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?