Best friends brother. Beat that.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra