i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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