It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE