I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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