the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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