onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section