The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate