after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.