Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that