i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
