she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat