i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.