and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
