her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.