I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
