His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
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Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i dont even know how to be here
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
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I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together