I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
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So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.