Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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