I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Boobs speak an international language.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night