At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping