I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.