get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I wish I only lived at night.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I met the friendliest cop last night
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.