I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
