The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.