They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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