this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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