He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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