TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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