Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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