after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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