remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
