life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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