I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
