gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
