Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
