he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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