That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
