She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
