I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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