party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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