shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
