i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How does one acquire holy water?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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