I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
