I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
