that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
