he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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