Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it's great music for shaving your balls
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
