He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Can you bring me the toilet please
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
